White v. Brown

Speaking of

2009-08-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

Barney Frank, would he be a good senator? Does he want to be a senator? (probably yes) Would he win? (probably yes) Would he be too liberal for the senate and get sidelined? I don't know, the guy really knows how to manage criticism. I guess there is some talk of appointing a senator, but Democrats probably don't have it in em. I hope they do, but.

p.s. rip ted, or, if you'd prefer he burn in hell, here's andrew breitbart's twitter.

Why Barney is Cool Again?

2009-08-19T20:43:00.001-07:00

Because he is no longer a purple dinosaur, he is simply frank. FRANK. He is BARNEY FRANK! Kudos. Google it.

I read somewhere today that the Democrats are thinking about whipping out some serious procedural mumbo-jumbo that will allow them to bypass the 60 majority, instead opting for a 51 majority that will allow them to totally diss the "conservative democrats" (read: omg-wtf politicians) and just go ahead and grant y'all pissy-pants Americans some seriously chill health care.

Dems are worried that doing this awesome thing will make them look partisan and mean, which makes me so utterly sad. Y'all tried to open some thoughtful lines of communication and what you got instead was TOTAL DUMB STUFF from everyone who thinks they're Republican or God's minions or whatevs, and y'all are getting POUNDED WITH IT day in and day out ON TV. And the more you allow it, the more you get POUNDED WITH IT!

Get a backbone!!! You won the majority vote. You were ELECTED by a MAJORITY of your constituents. You gave the minority a chance to voice their opinions and instead they slung dung at you HARD. They slung Nazi and Hitler and uh, mean Joker and SOCIALIST, which, OMG nobody who has said that knows what it means, and y'all pansy Dems KEEP TAKING THIS.

51 THIS BITCH ALREADY!! Why is there even hesitation at this point?! What is the use of a solid majority when we're too scared to use it? 51 THIS BITCH!!

Riddle me this...

2009-08-10T00:16:00.001-07:00

I have seen the Joker (white-faced) Obama. This guy in the corner, he is Haji Ferooz. He is the Dick Clark of Iranian New Years. He is black-faced. I am not sure what the controversy is here with the Joker Obama. I am pretty sure that Joker Obama is pimp. Is he joker faced because he is evil? Is he joker-faced because he longs for the death of Batman? Is he Joker face because has two-timed us on health care? Yes I feel two-timed. WHAT THE FUCK!? A) Who actually was the one that gave us this artists' rendering? I'm pretty sure it was neither Sarah Palin nor Valdudes. B) How is this not pimp? Oh, white face is the new the black face, hence harsh? White, you be too sensitive. Don't forget your SPF 45 in your new Lala.

No It's Not the Same Thing

2009-08-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

I went over to the Fox News site to check how much they were propping up the fake protesters at the health care town halls (and surprisingly saw nothing on the front page, a sharp contrast to the tea party coverage.) I did, however, see the top story, which featured the picture above and the following blurb: "It's said 'turnaround is fair play,' but outrage over a poster circulating around L.A. that depicts President Obama as the 'Joker' seems to have ignored a similar image of President Bush last year in Vanity Fair."

First of all those two images are hardly alike. George W. Bush is clearly wearing makeup on both his mouth and eyes, whereas Obama looks like he has 2 black eyes and cut cheeks. Furthermore, to bring up race (which I know is what they're begging me to do) there is a historical significance to mutilation around the mouth. If you don't know what a "smiley" is, don't look it up because it gives me the shivers every time in comes to mind. I know there was a movie, I saw the movie, but let's just put that out there.

Regardless, the real question here is: "What's the story here?" They're got a quote from a local official saying it's offensive. It is. If you think the Bush picture is offensive, maybe it is, but it's in a magazine, not on a wall on the street, plus anyone could have criticized it at the time. So what's the point? I think it's that life is unfair because people are more sensitive to violence against minorities and women than they are against, y'know, rednecks. It's that Obama gets a "free pass" and it's not only unamerican but it's irresponsible for us to be disallowed from levying important criticisms against him, like that he's a socialist and also maybe a psychotic criminal or an appropriate object of violent race fantasy. That's the takeaway. Or if it's not, I'd like someone to explain to me what it is, because this shit's the top story on the top rated cable news network's website.

Obama Opts Out of Public Schooling

2008-11-21T15:11:00.000-08:00

Barry called a bunch of public schools last week to talk about the wonderful educational opportunities they could afford his young daughters, only to turn around and send them to some fancypants private montessouri (sp?) quaker hippie joint called Sidwell Friends so they can learn how to become America's first black female co-presidents. This is what makes Barry so successful - he's willing to fill sandbags in Illinois and hang out in Chicago Delis two weeks after being elected president, but when it comes to the big stuff he's like "no thanks I'll take the really fancy campaign with the websites and the stadiums" and "that's cool my kids will go to President's kid type school thanks." Whatevs, though, those kids are gonna look cute as shit is SCIENCE GOGGLES!!!!!

Me talk pretty some day!

2008-09-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Is this in code, dudes?

Palin on Russia:

1) "We are thankful that, under Reagan, we won the Cold War, without a shot fired, also. We’ve learned lessons from that in our relationship with Russia, previously the Soviet Union."

(Editor's Notes: I'm pretty sure the Bay of Pigs involved heavy artillery. Maybe she's talking about Bay of Lipstick on a Pig, which I think involved bitch-slaps and wet t-shirts. Also I was WONDERING where the Soviet Union went.)

2) "We must have good relationship with our allies, pressuring, also, helping us to remind Russia that it’s in their benefit, also, a mutually beneficial relationship for us all to be getting along."

Palin on NATO, which she thinks is a word and not an acronym:

1) "We have got to make sure that that is the group that can be counted upon to defend one another in a very dangerous world today."

Palin on her family:

1) "I had promised Todd a little surprise for the anniversary present, and hopefully he knows that I did deliver. And then we have as -- after my husband, who is a lifelong commercial fisherman, lifetime Alaskan. He's a production operator."

Palin on...I'm not sure what this on:

1) "ECONOMICALLY SPEAKING, THOUGH, IT'S ABOUT 20% OF THE U.S. DOMESTIC SUPPLY IS -- OF ENERGY IS PRODUCED UP ON THE NORTH SLOPE. SO VERY, VERY SIGNIFICANT ECONOMICALLY.PHYSICALLY, THANKFULLY, TINY LITTLE FOOTPRINT."

2)" I DO THINK, THOUGH, THAT AMERICANS ARE RECOGNIZING MORE AND MORE IT'S EVIDENCED IN THE PRESSURE THEY'RE PUTTING ON CONGRESS AT THIS POINT, THE CONSTITUENTS PUTTING ON CONGRESS, MORE AND MORE AMERICANS ARE RECOGNIZING IT IS TIME TO RAMP UP AMERICAN SUPPLY OF ENERGY, ESPECIALLY WE'RE A NATION AT WAR, A LOT OF THE ISSUES THAT ARE SO ADVERSELY AFFECTING AMERICA ARE BASED ON ENERGY SUPPLIES AS WE'RE RELYINGON FOREIGN SOURCES OF ENERGY TO FEED OUR HUNGRY MARKETS, MORE AND MORE AMERICANS ARE RECOGNIZING YOUR SISTER STATE UP IN THE ARCTIC, ALASKA HAS THESE SUPPLIES."

I can't believe we're seriously considering electing this again.

Please, girl!

2008-09-05T16:59:00.001-07:00

You call this tough, Palin?

When my brother was a young child he used to shit in the toilet, take his shit out of the toilet and then rub it all over the bathroom walls with his bare hands, just to watch my mom cry.

Go inside and bake me a moose stew, little one.

2008-09-05T16:47:00.001-07:00

Obama <3 <3 <3 <# <3

2008-08-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

Sorta on the boring tip, but I'm posting this because nobody really did and it's a pretty sweet clarification of "inflate-your-tiresgate" or whatever it is imminently going to be dubbed.
And we might as well throw this in for lolz:

Miguel Hernandez's Event

2008-07-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading about how the Republican nominee has started using the internet to organize grassroots involvement in his presidential campaign, y'know, cuz it's ALMOST AUGUST and Obama's been doing this since the early eighties. After searching for events within 100 miles of my house (none!) I started checking out other differences between the 2 campaign websites. They are very easy to find and hilarious.

For example, say you mistakenly type barakobama.com into your navigation bar. Hey, it could happen. Luckily for you, your browser will perform a quick Google search in which the campaign website comes up as the first hit.
Try omitting a "c" in johnmcain.com and you get this old fave:I do need health insurance! I also need single dating.

Or what if a stray letter sneaks into your url while you're trying to check up on your fave candidate? Try johnmccain.com/a and you get this li'l babe:

You make a similar slipup with Barack? He cradles you in his athletic, hopey arms and gives you a wry verbal noogie remeniscent of the dad you never had.
But the best is the grassroots organizing itself. This is the thing where you host a house party and they send you a video so you can watch it with a handful of weirdos who come to your house. Barack has a couple of events, say, within 100 miles of New York.
John McCain is still working out the kinks, but he's off to a strong start, in both design and substance:

It's got a picture of a house, because it's in a house! To be clear, this is the full list of events found within 100 miles of area code 10036 for both candidates. It's kinda like the cyberspace (is that still a word?) version of McCain going to a German restaurant in Pennsylvania while Obama rivets a crowd of 200,000 in Berlin. But hey, at least McCain has locked up the latino vote.

You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

2008-07-08T15:52:00.001-07:00

Party is oooover.

Yesterday Iraq's national security adviser Mowaffaq al-Rubaie told America it was time to leave.

Excerpts from his statement are as follows:

Umm, first off I'm not saying it hasn't been fun. I mean, you guys really know how to party, don't get me wrong. But, well, its getting late, and Maliki and I have a ton of work to do tomorrow puttin' this place together again. No, no, really guys, I can't do another Jager shot. Listen, seriously. C'mon. You've been here for what like 5 years? We appreciate you helping us get rid of Saddam. I mean better a party bus than a snooze cruise but in the words of your Dave Matthews, "All good things must come to an end sometimes," so..you know...of course I'm not saying RIGHT THIS MINUTE but if you guys could just maybe slowly start packing up...move to the door...oh no WAY, Topper, get Maliki DOWN off that keg stand! Alright, you know what guys, just get the fuck out!

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates responded to al-Rubaie's statement:

Man FUCK this party, I hear Iran's got like reactors full of Pabst. Topper, get your dick outta that guys ear and go pull the Blazer around.

Wait, North Koreans AREN'T Muslims?

2008-06-26T12:14:00.001-07:00

It finally dawned on Bush today that North Korea has no place in the Axis of Evil (read: Axis of LALALALALA) and dropped them down to the Axis of "Possibly Scary Asian Dudes But Who Are We Kidding Asians Haven't Been Scary Since Ghengis Khan"

Personally, I'm baffled at the decision. I mean, North Korea was Bush's way of convincing people his War on Terror wasn't actually just a War on Muslims. It was like putting a girl on your football team and making her warm the bench just to prove to critics that the team isn't anti-girl. It was like Jim Carey on "In Living Color."

Also, if Iraq is now a prosperous democracy, and North Korea got demoted, that just leaves Iran. Can you have a one-country Axis? Jeez, this must be how Moe(hammad) felt after Larry and Curly died.

70s parties are so FUCKING 90s

2008-06-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I mistakenly intimated that near-dead presidential candidate John McCain was "clueless" or "out-of touch" for thinking that anyone would be interested in his comparison of Obama to Carter, since Carter is a one-term president who left office over 25 years ago. Turns out, it's got nothing to do with being out of touch. McCain's campaign inexplicably seems to be "retro" themed! First there was the video game (hip!) on McCain's website, which turned out to be a cheap Space Invaders knockoff, with worse graphics. Space Invaders was created in 1978.
To posit an entire campaign theme on this scant evidence would be poor, poor journalism, especially one that could most positively be described as "throwback" being developed by God's oldest president of all times. But ho! Guess what McCain's new Obama Smear ad is based on!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3Zy50Dy6Zk&eurl=http://wonkette.com/Dr. No was released in 1962. I have no idea what the fuck this guy is doing or why.

Nationally-Controled Oil? No WAAAAY!

2008-06-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

Oh my God! Our democratic leaders want to nationalize oil!! Quick, CIA, arrange a covert coup so that we can replace our nationalistic leaders with an illegitimate, inexperienced monarch and then lets all spend the next thirty years living in a completely economically polarized society with no respect for human rights, which will most likely breed pockets of malcontent and dissent that will fuel the growth of radical religious organizations and the rise of a megalomaniacal despot who will ultimately throw our nation into a bloody and merciless revolution (not to mention an 8 year war with a Godless, mustachioed neighbor-despot) and create the rise of radical religious politics throughout the continent which will threaten the existence of peace-loving, holocaust-surviving Israel!

Nationalize oil! Have we learned NOTHING?!

AP Smear Job

2008-06-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

Dear unfortunate headline editor...

Do you mean Shawn Carter?

2008-06-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

I love how McCain keeps trying to convince people that Obama is just like Jimmy Carter, as if any self-respecting swing voter knows who that is. "You're just like Bush!" shouts the Obama Campaign. "You're just like George McGovern!" McCain lashes back. "Your campaign emulates Karl Rove!" say Barry's supporters. "Yeah, well you're just another motherfucking William Henry Harrison."

Guess who's back!

2008-06-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

It's little Elian! After being sent back to Cuba to be with his cowardly, non-escaping family he was evidently (and of course) kidnapped by his government and pressured into loving Cuba forever and betraying his drowned mother by implication. If we had kept that little fucker he'd be a senator by now, but instead he's just captain of the I love Castro club, saying he "would never let ex-President Fidel Castro and his brother Raul Castro down." Fidel Castro even! Not just sexy young Raul, the Barack Obama of flailing communism.

Hint: Cognates

2008-06-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

Just think about it until you get it.

California Election Roundup

2008-06-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

Rent control is saved! We sold Hunter's Point down the river to some fuckers, whose website looks like an infomercial for buying America. I almost voted for that until Josh told me not to, but whatevs, it passed anyway. Gerardo Sandoval got enough votes to face Thomas Mellon in a runoff election in November, which is reasonably chill because a) Mellon has a reputation for being cantankerous and unfair, and b) running against an incumbent is baller because otherwise judges just retire mid-term and help appoint their successor. Teachers get more money, And The Green Party, running several candidates as a slate, took over the DCCC, which I don't really know what is. To be honest, I don't know what half this stuff is, so if anyone wants to explain it to me please do.

Clinton Quits For Real, I Promise

2008-06-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

Every day when I'm watching CNN and it says at the bottom of the screen that Obama is the Nominee, and that Hillary is dropping out, Kat asks me "So it's over?" and I have to say, "Well, noooo, but..." So I thought I should take this opportunity to declare that Hillary is actually for real dropping out, unless she doesn't. Her campaign (or a hacker) sent out this email last night at 2 AM in which she (or a hacker) writes: "On Saturday, I will extend my congratulations to Senator Obama and my support for his candidacy." So basically unless Obama gets caught shooting heroin in the next 2 days, or unless Hillary finds some difference between "endorsing another candidate" and "not running yourself," or unless it was a hacker, or unless Hillary is a hacker, it's all over but the (more) crying. It's a fitting and graceful way to end a campaign that will be remembered for its refusal to end: burying the news by softening up the news outlets at 2AM and dumping out the announcement on a Saturday.

Scott McClellan, Fucker

2008-05-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

The person who made us all wanna die during the early days of the war in Iraq has written his nojobiography, in which he exposes the Bush administration for what it really is, an isolationist cadre of selfish and small-minded powermongers who have fucked our shit up so hard a hot half-black guy can't even fix it. I suppose now we're supposed to forgive him for being a lapdog for three years, and evidently doing nothing much since. I would think most people wouldn't even want his trashy accusations, true or not, but apparently everyone does, cuz check out who's number one on Amazon. The Democratic Party's queen of non-starters, Nancy Pelosi, has also praised this loser for his obv and loser comments.

Some quotes from McClellan's resignation in 2006, for your perusal:

From Scott: “I have given it my all sir and I have given you my all sir, and I will continue to do so as we transition to a new press secretary.”

From Bush, oh my god: "One of these days he and I are going to be rocking on chairs in Texas, talking about the good old days and his time as the Press Secretary," said the President. "And I can assure you I will feel the same way then that I feel now, that I can say to Scott, job well done."

There's also some pretty sweet slams from Scott on the tell-all books that came out while he was press secretary here. Judging from this trajectory, Dana Perino 's tell-all book is gonna be fucking awesome (and sexy.)

Jews are crazy too

2008-05-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

OMG STOP IT!

Look what they just almost did.

Why so tense, dudes?

Jews Are People Too

2008-05-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Times/Slate writer Jodi Kantor is making waves with her cuddly front-page lifestyle piece about sweet old Jewish grannies in south Florida who are opposed to voting for Obama for various old-school bigoted reasons, like that blacks kill Jews during their day-to-day practice of killing whitey, and that Barry is a Palestinian Muslim with a Christian Black Panther for a pastor. The piece features some sweet problems that old people have with him, including "he's arab," "Al-Qaida is backing him," and "he will make Louis Farrakhan secretary of defense." The whole thing makes Jews look pretty stupid, which is unfair, because Kantor did all her sampling in Florida, and everybody in Florida is fucking stupid (and adept at ruining elections.) Luckily, this guy has got a plan to calmly dispel these rumors and convince voters what a sweet guy Barry really is.

Norm Coleman, Most Bummed

2008-05-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

Jesse Ventura announced Wednesday that he's planning to run as an independent in the Minnessota Senate race this fall. He will be fighting to unseat Norm Coleman, the Republican incumbent known for his lifelong journey toward conservativism and his 44% approval rating. The addition of a raging pro wrestler will bring some much needed dynamism to the race, which up until now was merely between Coleman and B comedian Al Franken. It's a whole new ball game for the former hippie who once stated in his student campaign literature that he deserved the position because "these conservative kids don't fuck or get high like we do."

Close Only Counts...

2008-05-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

Yeah, saw that, but you gotta pull the trigger, Lil!

Dear Nick,

2008-05-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

Please refer to my draft post entitled "Dems Finally Stop Being Hippies," created on May 16, 2008.

You may notice this post is a lot like your post of May 20, 2008 entitled "Calling Bullshit."

Coincidence? Who knows.

Very Truly Yours,

Kentucky!

2008-05-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

We know Barry won big in Oregon, and that it's all over and he's the nominee, but JESUS Hillary destroyed in Kentucky. Not only did she win 2-1, but when Clinton supporters were asked if they would be satisfied with Barry as the nominee, 77% said no. Hil's got a stranglehold on those bitter working class racists, and they're just getting bitterer. Oh well. Can we run the old guy against the black guy now?

McCain Only Gives Silent Treatment to Terrorists Because He's a Copycat

2008-05-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

In late 2007, John McCain realized that he agrees with everything the most unpopular president of the last 8 decades has said and done. This includes completely ignoring all world leaders that don't like us, in order to make them feel sad and alone until they stop destroying America. Unfortunately, in 2006, he totally wanted to chill with Hamas, which makes sense, because he's that tough. So now it's kinda hard to make Barry feel faggy and naive for wanting to negotiate with Iran, when John wanted to sit down with a far less legitimate and much more violent government. So that's what's going on there. And really, was there any doubt that JM would get his kicks by getting all ornery on militant Muslims in a smoke filled room?

Calling Bullshit

2008-05-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Lily, for dedicating your one post this month to a spurious personal attack, and totally ignoring the most relevant-to-us news of the week while I was out of town. Also, If Hillary doesn't think I should pay Jimmy 50 bones, then I don't either.

Last week Bush was fixing the Middle East, and he was all, "I don't wanna hang out with terrorists and Nazis, like some people." Alert - "some people" means BARRY! Alas, everybody got all pissed. Obama's campaign released the following zinger (complete with slick Israel eyelash-batting): “George Bush knows that I have never supported engagement with terrorists, and the president’s extraordinary politicization of foreign policy and the politics of fear do nothing to secure the American people or our stalwart ally Israel.”

Many important Democrats followed suit, piling on the criticism, but it was erstwhile Democratic presidential candidate, voice of reason, and walking, talking gaffe machine who said it best, when he told a reporter, "This is bullshit." Remember when we used to love him? Well, Lily and I did.

This leads beautifully into my upcoming expose on how McCain totally wants to hang out with terrorists and Nazis (deep down), so look out for that.

Sosh Sucker

2008-05-12T13:25:00.001-07:00

Now that my marathon birthday is over, I can focus my attention on my neglected blog. So much has happened since my last post, but the most important thing to happen was Nick Pal losing his bet to art major, Jimmy G. Moded!

This bet had to do with Obama becoming (or not becoming) the Democratic nominee. Jimmy, being an inherently visual person, was able to clearly see the outcome of this highly dynamic contest and could confidently declare Obama the winner. Nick Pal, being a slave to pundits and double-talk, was unable to cut through the rhetoric and (sure that Greta Van Susteren couldn't fail him) challenged Jimmy to a bet. Hillary would definitely be the Democratic nominee.

You see, Nick Pal thinks that just because he studied Sociology he knows everything about politics. What Nick Pal fails to realize is that Sociology, unlike Political Science, is for total pussies. Seriously, though. One of Nick's final projects in sociology class was a 2-inch by 2-inch children's book typed on different colors of construction paper and bound with yarn. I think it was about losing a bike or else falling in love or something gay. I can't remember clearly, I was too busy preparing mathematical formulas for determining how to save the world.

Marmalade!

Liveblogging the Indiana and Something Else Primaries

2008-05-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's still the same! Barry won a brown state, and it's still too close to call for Hillary in the white state.
7:50 - Hillary is kissing the ass of a senator called Evan, because he is still supporting her.
7:53 - Hillary hates the junta in Burma for not stopping the Cyclone. Vote for her in the primaries because she is a Democrat. Barack is, evidently, a member of the Labour Party.
7:54 - Florida and Michigan are evidently Hill's fave states. She is a Cuban steelworker.
7:55 - 9/11!!!
7:56 - Pundit time! She's going to continue to fight, because Rocky. The mathhhh is overwhelminggggg.
8:01 - Too close to call for Hillary still. If 100% of Lake County voted for Obama, he will lose by one point instead of two.
8:05 - Hillary will never drop out. She still has no money.
8:06 - I'm so bored. Later.

Girls on Film

2008-04-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

Miley Cyrus, Disney's Hannah Montana and child of douchebag Billy Ray Cyrus, is apologizing to fans for taking what she now claims is an "embarrassing" picture for the cover of Vanity Fair.

Shot by famed photographer Annie Liebovitz, Cyrus (presumably pressured by Disney) now claims that the picture is too racy. Whitevbrown would like to remind readers of how gross the priest's boner is in "The Little Mermaid"

via videosift.com

Also, if anyone should be embarrassed by their Liebovitz portrait it should be this ol' hag:

Googlers do Pennsylvania

2008-04-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

People at Google are really good at computers, and also math. They have created this map, which shows Pennsylvania all divided and hypertextied up to demographics from each county, thereby determining exactly how Hil will win by 4% and then lose lose lose until we have a black prez. To learn more about how Google will finally master reliable polling by compiling satellite photos of peoples hopes and fears, click here.

Oh Hell Yes

2008-04-22T10:41:00.001-07:00

Polls!

2008-04-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

It's poll day, because none of us have anything to do until 1% of the vote gets reported and they declare it for Hillary by 4%.

First off, Bush's approval rating is the worst of any president in 70 years! You know what's awesome? That makes him the worst president of his entire life. But not McCain's life, because McCain has experience.

It's also comforting to note that Pennsylvania voters are most concerned with the economy, almost 2-1 over the war in Iraq, which is great because none of the presidential candidates have any economic experience, while they have clear divisions over the war, with McCain coming in at yes, Barry at no, and Hillary at a decisive maybe.

And as for the event of the day? Clinton's lead is narrowing and widening, at record rates, simultaneously. Pundits agree that winning with a margin of 5-37% would put Hillary right back in the race for about 3 minutes.

Who Can Out-Colbert Colbert?

2008-04-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

Not Michelle Obama, that's for sure. Boring!

America's Hope/Rapper's Delight

2008-04-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

Human Events! It's a conservative weekly that's been around since 1944, at which time they were probably talking mad shit about FDR and still deciding about Hitler. Well now they have published a scandalous article about how black-man Obama is complicit with America's rappers and it's well worth reading. It quotes my favorite verse on all of Jay-Z's Black Album, which is a thrill. But the best part is when they try to find something offensive that q-tip has ever said and the best they can come up with is this: “Close the door, ‘ight let a n---- rock. Cause we ‘bout to eat real s---, not s--- slop.” Can you support a candidate that wants to let a nigga rock with the door closed?

Jim Beall: Prohibitionist/Fucker

2008-04-11T16:01:00.000-07:00

Evidently this fart is a California state representative who spends all his time trying to tax alcohol. He's already raised the price of Sparks, effective later this year, by $2 per six pack. (And for those of you who are like "whatever, Sparks is gross" this also applies to Smirnoff Ice AND Mike's Hard Lemonade ANNNDDDD ZIMA so suck it.) Now he's on some crazy Kucinich-like (i.e. longshot) plan to jack up the price of beer by a bunch because evidently paying a mere eleven dollars for six packs of shitty California microbrews is adversely affecting my health. Can we get in this guy's face? How does community organizing work?

John McCain Still Old

2008-04-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

The Democratic Party can talk about sweeping the corporate fat-cats out of washington for know, but when the general election race comes they're going to need a comeback to "Barack Obama will puss out when the terrorists come." Correct response, on the lowest-common-denominator level of most Republican arguments, has gotta be, "John McCain will die of old age when the terrorists come." In keeping with this sentiment, Dean drops the following sweet quote, explaining concerns from members of focus groups regarding Johnny's age: "One was a health concern, the other was, and this is really interesting . . . that his views are old-fashioned." Man, that's such a burn. Gotta love that turn of phrase, it's like "We're scared he might die, but we're also a little bit worried about the fact that he's a piece of shit."

Hillary Is a Fighter Re: Amateur Sports

2008-04-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

Congrats, Hil. You couldn't get up the gumption to vote against invading a sovereign nation, but you've got no qualms about going toe-to-toe with Bush to prevent track and field events being held in countries that make shitty toys. Is it the 60% drop in Bush's approval rating that gave you the courage of your convictions? Is it that Democratic race you keep finding new ways to lose? Or maybe you're just worried that during your presidential run in 2016 your Republican opponent will be all, "how can you say you're against the Olympics, when you voted to authorize the Olympics in 2008?"

Michelle Obama Loves White People

2008-04-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

Jokes! Jokes! Of course Michelle Obama doesn't love white people. She does, however, like seating white people behind her so that they can jealously gaze at her gorgeous black badonkadonk while she talks about how nobody thought she should go to Princeton.

Really, though. They want nukes.

2008-04-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to dispel some untruths about the people of Iran. Untruths being spread by leftist, anti-war hippies who, for some totally unfounded reason, have decided that Iranians are misunderstood doves of peace.

A) Iranians do actually hate Israel, Israelis and Jews. All Iranians. All Jews. (Save for Jewish Iranians, but they def have self-loathing issues.)

B) Iranians also hate Arabs but not as much cuz of the "enemy of my enemy" principle.

C) Iranians ARE building nukes. They are killing machines when given the opportunity.

D) Iranians consider Dari the Ebonics of Farsi.

E) Iranians should not for one second be trusted by anyone other than maybe the Russians who they've always had a big crush on for some totally unknown, probably unfounded reason.

India whips out freaks to try and upstage China ahead of the Olympics

2008-04-08T10:48:00.001-07:00

Forget the Olympics! The real party is apparently in India, where a series of freak babies and small weirdos has turned the bustling, industrial nation into a real live Island of Dr. Moreau. They may have fewer people than China, but they certainly have more...uhhh...character?

Pelosi All Grins Despite Threat of Even More Wrinkles

2008-04-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

Looks like the Dems are gearing up to wipe the senate floor with the Reps this election, which has put Fancy Nancy in high spirits, regardless of all the baseless threats being hurled at her by Woman Clinton.

This has something to do with retirement, money and massive amounts of gumption.

Oh, also for some reason the Republicans don't have any money? Ohio Republican John Boehner put it best when he admitted that, "On the resource side, we suck."

Torch Is Coming to SF?!?

2008-04-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

We are gonna FREAK OUT

Hills Fires Mark Penn After Realizing...Ummm... It Doesn't Matter Why

2008-04-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

This isn't Elimidate, Hillary, it's a presidential campaign. Just cuz the guy doesn't agree with your policy position doesn't mean he can't help you lose the nomination.

Because He's a Black Man

2008-04-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

So I was thinkin about how every rapper is getting asked their opinion about Barack Obama, which is awesome, because rappers say crazy things. Snoop lets us know that one of Barry's primary donors is the Ku Klux Klan, DMX takes the "Aw Hell Naw" approach, and Q-tip, well Q-tip just got him to drop a verse because Q-tip's a genius.
But what about the aritistic inspiration Obama is providing to the common man? Many amateur musicians and performers have put there love for Barry into songs. What kind of songs? Rap songs of varying degrees of racistness, of course, because he's a black guy. A YouTube tour:

First, a primitive attempt to seduce Barack with african rhythm,

this next dude is actually kinda good, until about halfway through the first verse, when he gets really offensive, at which point he becomes really good,

here's some people who are actually black, AND named their rap group after a government agency,

and these guys are only in it for the money, which is so sick in so many ways.

EPA Full of Hippies, Other Forms of Slacker

2008-04-04T15:02:00.000-07:00

18 states are suing the EPA for getting nothing done. Pursuant to a Supreme Court ruling made in April of 2007, the EPA was supposed to decide whether to regulate greenhouse gas emissions from motor vehicles. All they had to do was decide and they totally didn't.

In its own defense, the EPA said that the Supreme Court didn't tell them when they had to do it and they were gonna do it right after Scrubs, but then they fell asleep cuz they were so high.

Once You Go Black

2008-04-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hillary sez she shook hands with Dr. King when she was 14. This is unconfirmed, and strongly reminiscent of like a year ago when Mitt Romney said he totes hung out with Dr. King, but it turned out that it was more that his dad marched one time at the same time that Dr. King was marching in another state. Similarly, when Hillary says she shook hands with King when she was 14, she probably actually means she shook hands with America's current black messiah, in her early sixties.

The King and I

2008-04-04T10:30:00.001-07:00

To commemorate the death of Dr. MLK, JR., the white presidential candidates kissed a bunch of ass today.

Republican Nominee/Old Fart John McCain stood in front of the Lorraine Motel where MLK was killed umpteen years ago today, and told folks that the motel, "... is a civil rights museum now, but in the memory of America it will always be a crime scene as well." Some Americans may also remember it as a motel.

Father Time also told reporters that he was wrong to vote against every single attempt to commemorate MLK by giving everyone a three-day weekend. In his defense, this may have been an issue of old-timey work ethic rather than racism, and whitevbrown will be checking Geezer McGoo's early 20th Century voting record for verifciation.

Hillary "Damned if I Do" Clinton spent her day in Memphis trying to get everybody to agree that being a woman is kind of like being black.

Our man Barry O took his ass to Indiana today. When asked by a reporter why he also wasn't in Memphis to commemorate MLK, Barry O responded that a) he already spoke at King's church, b) he gave a speech about race and c) he's black, dudes. Lay off.

Stupid Whore!

2008-04-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

Debbie Stabanow is some sort of politician. Her husband is not, but he got caught with a hooker so let's party! The best thing about the huge media hooker party that's going on right now is hooker MySpace pages, hands down. This hooker was only $150 so she doesn't have any songs out, and her profile is private, because she is a whore, and ONLY WHORES SET THEIR MYSPACE PROFILES TO PRIVATE. Anyway, you can check it out here. Silly bitch thinks you can embed html in your MySpace headline text.

Say Hello to My Little Friend

2008-04-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

Sarkozy has done it again! The little fucker has charmed the lasso-studded boxers right off our very own tough-guy, George Dubya.

At a press conference in Bucharest, Dubya referred to Sarkozy as his good luck charm and (for reals) his little friend.

Since when do the French love Republicans? Hmmm, I'm guessing November 2005?

All My Favorite People Are Endorsing

2008-04-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Fantastic! The adrenaline of the primary drama is still here, but the actual news is dying down. Now's my chance to find out what the people I actually care about think of the candidates. Professional poker player and member of the MIT blackjack team (about whom a movie is out that I hella wanna see) Andy Bloch has endorsed Obama, ostensibly because he played in a regular poker game while he was still a state senator. Actually, though, it's because we all wanna be cooler than we are and Barry's so cool. In news that is interesting to people other than me, Heidi Montag has endorsed John McCain because her family has a ranch. One of John's PR people's kids told his dad to tell John to respond thusly when asked about it - "I'm honored to have Heidi's support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started." Which is total bullshit, because it comes on at 10 pm.

Dave Matthews Upstages Bill Clinton. Blogger Swoons.

2008-04-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

Indiana students opted to wait in line for three hours for free tickets to see their favorite 90's super-hotty, Dave Matthews, instead of listen to a speech by their second favorite 90's super-hotty, Bill Clinton. Who can blame them? This just goes to show how cunning a politician Barry is. The man has got undergrads down.

This also goes to show that Dave Matthews is still pimp no matter what you may think.

OBAMA ENDORSES GORE

2008-04-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

In one of his biggest achievements since winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Pres-in-my-head, Al Gore was endorsed by none other than Democratic Nominee-in-my-head, Barack Obama, further strengthening Gore's position as best democrat ever.

Sers, though, Barry would be hella dumb to say he wouldn't consider Al Gore. My guess is the question was planted so that someone else will have to ask Hills if she'd consider Gore and she'll have to be like, "Dude, Gore hates me.....but...yes? Shit!"

OMG I hate Maureen Dowd

2008-04-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

It is because of women like Maureen Dowd that there are men who still think women are too stupid to be in politics. How much longer until all the 60's feminists die off and women can just be people instead of incessantly naggy bitches nobody wants to hang out with?

The New York Times (the most vagina-laden publication since The Feminine Mystique) keeps letting this bitch write op-ed pieces and today she penned a doozy. Here are some of Dowd's salient points:

1) "... she (Hillary) has a lot in common with another famous character — the Marschallin in Strauss’s bittersweet comic opera “Der Rosenkavalier.”

OMG, Marschallin! She is soooo famous! Wow, yes, Hillary is exactly like Marschallin from Der Rosenkavalier! God, how come I never noticed that before?!

2) "Who else was going to toughen him (Obama) up? Howard Dean? John Edwards? Dennis Kucinich?"

Ummm, Bill Clinton? Oh now wait, it can't be a boy or else you wouldn't have a point. But sers, though Maur Maur, you don't think Bill would do it if he were running? Its all Hills' powerful femininity that allows her to be so fucking raw to Obama 24/7? I'd like to see her do a push-up.

3) "But the Hillary camp will garrote him with his mistakes until he fully appreciates what garroting feels like."

This bitch must own stock in dictionary.com cuz she's pulling crazy stupid vocab out of her ass. FYI, garrote refers to a method of capital punishment of Spanish origin in which an iron collar is tightened around a condemned person's neck until death occurs by strangulation or by injury to the spinal column at the base of the brain. (www.dictionary.com)

4) "Besides coaching Obama, Hillary is also shielding him. If she had not fibbed about the Tuzla airport landing, and then fibbed to get out of a fib, the press would have stayed focused on Wright. She has been an invaluable lightning rod."

Now it just sounds like she's saying Hillary wants Obama to win? I've lost any inkling of an understanding as to what this woman's point is.

Go buy a bra.

Big Oil Brushes Its Shoulder Off

2008-04-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

5 top oil execs told Congress to suck it today, claiming that ridic high gas prices have absolutely nothing to do with the oil industry, instead pointing the finger at top execs of the plastic- marquee-sign-letters industry, who have drastically increased the price of their plastic numbers, forcing gas station owners to increase the price of gas in order to maintain profits.

In response to this allegation, Congress immediately established the Committee on Plastic Marquee Sign Independence and Global Warming to investigate the increase in plastic marquee prices while simultaneously researching alternative sources of signage, such as industrial dry-erase boards or wind powered mobile signs.

UTI Cuties

2008-04-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

First MK Olsen and now Jessica "I wasted my V-Card" Simpson! Ladies! How embarrassing! Maybe the dudes who write the articles about your kidney infections don't know how you got them, but you're not fooling any of us women. All you had to do was take a few AZO's once the symptoms kicked in and call it a day but nooooo, you had to blow it off and now your bad feminine hygiene problems are on CNN!

I'm trying to look for REAL news, ladies.

For shame.

Uncle Nutter

2008-03-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter endorsed Hillary Clinton in 2007, at which point she had already won the Democratic nomination, and now he's stuck with the bitch. To prove his loyalty, he recently told the press that if he had a pastor who was pissed about slavery, he'd walk right out on that zealot and go play a round of golf to cool off. I give the internet 15 minutes before they track down this guy's pastor and he turns out to be a Black Panther, cuz playing up your passion for the struggle turns out to be awesome for your political career as long as no one decides to call you racist for being black.

If you're interested in learning more about the newest primary guest star, the world intellectual community has compiled a helpful list of facts here.

Condy: "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Caused Slavery"

2008-03-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

It took the news media almost two weeks to realize they should probs ask Condy about race in America after Barry's speech, seeing as she's kinda black and all. But it was totes understandable cuz she's pretty white on paper. Her answer, which I'm sure she practiced in her mirror 8 or 9 times before unloading it all over these great states was,

"You see dudes, Britain really intended to keep her pregnancy healthy, but Britain, well, she just can't keep from hittin' the bottle here and there and well, she loves her baby, don't get me wrong, but when America popped out, there was a...how should I put this, a defect."

Oh no she DIDN'T!!?!

Condoleeza-ass-Rice just told America that racism was a birth defect like congential hip dislocation or a cleft lip!

Come on y'all, I get the metaphor but Jesus Haploid Christ, Condy!?

Hillary, Your Tour Ends Here.

2008-03-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

Barack, would you stay in this house and continue to rock my world?

Howard Dean calls for an end of the Democratic primary by July 1st, i.e. Hillary go home because even the fat white men prefer Obama's prideful change to your sniveling, tarty solutions.

FINALLY! Thank You!

2008-03-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

Father Earth, Al Gore done put the smack down on idiots for still...STILL believing that global warming is fake.

When asked by Leslie Stahl of 60 Minutes what he thought of naysayers, Gore dropped this pimp quote:

"You're talking about Dick Cheney. I think that those people are in such a tiny, tiny minority now with their point of view, they’re almost like the ones who still believe that the moon landing was staged in a movie lot in Arizona and those who believe the world is flat. That demeans them a little bit, but it's not that far off."

'Oh, you mean Dick Cheney's tired ass.' Nice.

Did you know that Gore donated all his Nobel Peace Prize money to his sweet lady, Mother Earth? Also, did you know you get money for the Nobel Peace Prize? $750k! I always figured it just gave you mean street cred at Mensa. Man, Al Gore has got to be the best dork turned cool guy since Stefan Urquelle.

Ewwwwww, Really?!?

2008-03-27T12:03:00.001-07:00

Come on, Spitzer.

I'd expect this type of total disregard for aesthetic from your pervy, legally blind replacement but you got peaches at home, guy! Quit messing with these prunes!

Sarkozy Parades Tramp

2008-03-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

The shittiest part of being royalty is that you gotta act all fancy with a French model just cuz France's Gavin Newsom is going through a mid-life/head of France crisis. Ser, you think Di was trashy, just cuz she loved the poor? Bitch was the princess of Wales. This girl is , well, this is the first image that came up on Google Image Search:

California Dreamin' about Economic Woes

2008-03-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

A new poll in California shows that 72% of adults in the state think we are in a recession while 90% are unsure of exactly what "recession" means or how to properly spell it. Unfortunately for this majority, education has taken a backseat to the economy with respect to electorate concerns so Californians are just going to have to keep adding (sp?) at the end of most of their 3 to 4 syllable words for the time being.

Sarcozying up to the Queen

2008-03-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

France and Britain are chummin' it up again and our man Nicolas is flauntin' his MILF of a wife all over Charing Cross. Hey Prince Charles, remember when you had a MILF wife? I can't wait until they superpower over us and finally start doing some of the First World leg work they've avoided since 1946.

In other (kinda) European news, General Secretary Putin is planning on showing off his chill retirement home to Bush, who is sooooo in the market for one these days. Unlike G.S. Putin, however, not one fucking person who enters the White House after Bush is gonna let him do or say or touch a thing. AT MOST they'll sit him down in the West Wing with a box of crayons and a ten spot and tell him to "design new currency."

Okay, It's So Funny

2008-03-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

I skipped over this the first couple times I saw it, since YouTube videos are always boring and often NSFW. But this little bitch has gone way viral and, upon finally watching it, I realized it is clearly worthy of our consideration. Don't believe me? It's a male(?) South American midget dressed as HRC dancing to bubblegum pop and saying things like "Voote for mey!" Toy saxaphone? Get outta town!

Newsom Prefers Ladies to Litigation

2008-03-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

Everybody's fave Clinton supporter, Gav Newsom, announced today that he's prepared to get into a down and dirty, icky yucky lawsuit with the state of California over cuts to Medi-Cal that were approved in February.

Rumor has it, Newsom may be planning a 2010 bid for Governor of the same great state he's about to slap with a lawsuit. When asked about this possible bid, Gov Gav said:

"I could give you the political answer: 'I have no plans at this time,' or I could give you the honest answer, which is that it's wildly premature."

Wow, honesty sounds a lot like political rhetoric these days, no?

Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

2008-03-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

This is why I call him Barry.

Foreign Cooties

2008-03-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

The Senate is expected to debate lifting the immigration ban on people with HIV this month, assuring, however, that they will continue the ban on Muslims and people who look vaguely Muslim or own more than one copy of Disney's Aladdin.

Some have questioned why the racist, unfounded ban on Muslims will stay in place, while the prejudiced, unfounded ban on HIV will be reconsidered. I'm guessing it has to do with the fact that both HIV and Islam are highly contagious and highly fatal so letting both in would be crazy. Ooooooh, Snap!

Somalia Comes Back Negative

2008-03-25T16:35:00.001-07:00

For all of you out there who are interested in the eradication of practically ancient diseases that no longer effect your life or the lives of those around you and whose causes and symptoms are totally unknown to you--GrEAT NeWS!

The WHO (being the most reputable and only organization involved in the tracking, analysis and superhero-like fighting of old-ass diseases) reported today that they believe polio has been "stopped" in Somalia, quickly adding that it could absolutely return. HElL YeS!

The last time the WHO reported this "stopping" of polio in a third-world country was in 2002, when they reported Somalia Polio-free.

$4,525,000,000.00 is a small price to pay for such advances in science.

Jonas Salk is shedding a tear from heaven.

Where's Perez Hilton's MS Paint program when you need it?!

2008-03-25T13:58:00.001-07:00

Newly appointed NY Gov. David Paterson admitted yesterday that in his 20's he used pot and tried cocaine, following in the footsteps of another prominent African-American politician, Barry Hussein, who fessed up to it first, making him the pimp one.

You know, when this guy dished out all his sexy secrets last week I thought to myself- Dude's just trying to clear the air after all the ruckus former Gov. Crispin Glover caused. But now I think this guy's just trying to show off.

Tomorrow's Drudge headline: "David Paterson Backup Drummer for 1974 KISS World Tour."

White Muslims

2008-03-25T09:16:00.001-07:00

Just when it was finally okay to have no idea where Bosnia is, another Clinton has to bring the whole muddied, ethnic conflict back to the front page news so that we can again try our best to ignore it.

Okay, the woman totally lied about sniper fire. But if you ask me, spending a night in a tent with Sinbad, Sheryl Crow and your bummer daughter Chelsea in the middle of an ethnic conflict between peeps who all look like you but are apparently MUSLIM (wtf?), while your husband is off bonin' an ugly chick back in the States, chalks up to about as much foreign policy experience as anyone really needs.

Joe Francis Gets Spitzered

2008-03-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Joe Francis is an entrepreneur from Southern California who Josh Charlton says had noooooooooooooooo friends in high school. He started a hugely successful VHS tape series but opted not to pay taxes, so he went to jail. At the time he was put in jail for not paying taxes in Nevada, he was also indicted in Florida for not paying very much attention to how old the girls he was videotaping were. This led to a hilarious situation where he couldn't get out of jail in Nevada without going straight to Florida and facing charges, so while he was stalling on Florida he was locked up in Nevada.

So that pretty much ruled. But here's where worlds began to collide.

Eliot Spitzer is the Ex-Governor of New York who everyone had kinda stopped liking even before he got caught doin' prostitutes. His latest prostitute's identity has been revealed, which was sweet as shit cuz turns out she had a single out and she had some pictures on Myspace of her partying and stuff. Needless to say, 2 things happen: 1) Dr. Drew is on my TV nonstop for a week, and 2) Spitzer's gf becomes the most famous person in the world.

Meanwhile, our hero has been released from Nevada prison and is lining up his ducks on the Florida thing. He makes his initial move back into the d-bag business with a million dollar offer to Spitzer's gf. While she's mulling it over(/high), some genius member of the Girls Gone Wild staff is all "Dudes, maybe we should check the archives." Lo and behold, there's like 7 tapes of this bitch from spring break 2003. Million dollar offer goes off the table, and a huge new GGW.com subscription-based marketing plan is initiated surrounding the newfound footage. Dickless assface Francis describes the development as "kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch."

Now here's the sweetest part. Spitzer's gf's lawyer, cuz yeah she's got a lawyer now, gets wind of this footage and does a little math. Turns out this girl was born in 1985, which means that during spring break 2003 she was........... 17 years old! (guess she was an autumn baby.)

So now you can't use the footage, for the same reason you're already maybe going back to jail. It's kinda like that time DJ and Stephanie put quarters in the slot machine and hit the jackpot, but the Casino owner had it all on tape when Joey tried to make off with the cash. Burn!

Watch It, Olympics.

2008-03-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

The Color of Your Skin ain't the Color of Your Heart

2008-03-21T16:02:00.001-07:00

Top 5 reasons why Rev. Wright is pimp:

5) He says "ridin' dirty" in church: Jan. 13, 2008: “Hillary is married to Bill, and Bill has been good to us. No he ain’t! Bill did us, just like he did Monica Lewinsky. He was riding dirty.”

4) He understands how bad Relaxer is for your hair: Jan. 13, 2008: "We conducted radiation experiments on our own people."

3) He hates snooty bitches: April 2003:"God damn America as long as she tries to act like she is God and supreme."

2) He listens to eminem: March 1, 2007: We don't have to say the word "white." We just have to live in white America, the United States of white America.

1) He proves you don't acsh have to be black to be black!

Brown and Browner

2008-03-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

Might I add, the Pavaratti-esque gotee Ricardoson is rocking has really done wonders for his sex appeal, in so much as the idea of him being sexy can now possibly be conceived....by much, much older women.

Dang, when he goes to visit Chaves and Castro II and whatnot, it's gonna be soooo confusing.

Brown v. Brown - Richardson Endorses Obama

2008-03-21T11:31:00.001-07:00

Even though all Mexicans love Hillary Clinton, Bill Richardson has made the shrewd political assessment that Hillary won't win the nom, and even if she does, most American Democrats will either die of barfness or defect to John McCain the working class mexican hippie. Since the Dream Ticket is Hillary's dream only (Barry's dream involves an Escalade and not having a racist grandma) Barack will be shopping for VPs, and who better to negotiate with Chavez and Abumenijad than someone who, as far as we've heard, totally hung out with them in the 90s anyway. Barry sure as hell ain't gonna do it himself, because he's a pussy, and because he didn't really mean to say he would negotiate with our enemies anyway. This plus the prospect of finally uniting BOTH KINDS OF AMERICAN BROWN PEOPLE provides a strong case for picking the New Mexico Gov as the VP nominee, and in our assessment gives him at least a 1.7% chance of actually getting it, although he may get some kind of consolation prize, perhaps at the Department of letting all the mexicans in but keeping the terrorists out. Or MAYBE it's just that he's the only Mexican who likes the guy.

Regardless, is the southwest going to become a relevant political bloc? Nooooooooo.

OBAMA, CLINTON, MCCAIN, and YOURS TRULY

2008-03-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

You may have heard by now that several State Department employees have been snoopin' around in the passport files of our three Presidential candidates.

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/Vote2008/story?id=4492773&page=1

What you may not have known is that yours truly was ALSO a victim of senseless hacking.

Not to worry, though. Condy hit me up on my cell this morning to personally apologize for the incident. She told me that if somebody had hacked into her passport information and found out she hadn't been out of the country in the last ten years, she would also feel very embarrassed.

Bob Woodward wears Birkenstocks

2008-03-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

Because I'm a journalist now, I will be combing through HRC's White House schedules along with all my colleagues. Since somebody already put together the "What was Hillary doing while Bill was getting head" combing assignment I think I will be putting together a "What was Hillary doing when my readers..."

I NEED YOUR HELP!

Let me know when big things happened to you between the years 1993 and 2001. Do you remember your first kiss? What day you lost your V-Card? When you got your driver's license? First time in the Principle's office? Anything you got counts!

Alright, time to grab me a cup o' joe, throw the Cranberries in the ol' Discman and jump in my Papasan. I'm about to relive the 90's through HRC's big, doughy eyes.

This is way less entertaining than Carmen San Diego

2008-03-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

This just in!! Osama and his bummer entourage are still missing and they've got AUDIO EQUIPMENT! DaMn!

By now every cave in Afghan and/or Paki-stan should have been searched, no?

I KNOW!

Let's get THIS guy to do it!!

Gnarley

2008-03-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

This is what John McCain used to look like.

And obv this is what he looks like now.

Five bucks says this is what he'll look like after a term in the Oval

REPUBLICANS, IF YOU MAKE ME STARE AT THIS FUCKER'S MUG FOR 8 YEARS I WILL FREAK OUT!

X-plainin' the R-cession

2008-03-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

I can't tell up from down when it comes to the economy, yet I've somehow managed to get a grasp of what happened to Bear Sterns and I feel obligated to explain it to all you non-numbers people because we can all learn a lot.

1. Subprime loans
You're poor but you really want a house. Being poor, you are obviously no good with money. But a house is the American dream and you live in America and you're sick of seeing all the Indian and Korean immigrants in your town buying up nice model homes while you're still renting from an Armenian dude who won't return your phone calls re: your leaky tub. Then along comes this dude.

Hey, buddy! Do I have a deal for you! But you're only eligible if your credit score is UNDER 400. Does that mean you?

Great!

Alright, see that house over there? That house costs $500,000.00.

Now wait, wait- turn that frown upside down. I'm here to tell you that YOU, yes YOU can live in that house.

Don't worry about a down payment. Look just sign this and I'll take your word that you can make the monthly payments.

BAM! Just like that your poor ass is in a $500k house and you're scrounging together every last dime every month to pay the $3,000 monthly mortgage payment. Meanwhile, Jack Broker over here goes back to his cush office at Bear Sterns and adds your papers to the subprime file for poor ass people who should have never bought a house.

2. Collateralized Debt Obligations
So now Bear Sterns takes your C-Note (the paper you signed in order to get the house) and bundles it up with a bunch of other C-Notes and then takes that bundle and invests it. For simplicity's sake lets say your $500k C-Note is bundled up with three other $500k C-Notes for a total investment bundle of $2mil. So Bear Sterns takes this $2mil of essentially fake money and starts flaunting it around town like they do, and for awhile everyone's chillin' cuz you're still making the payments and the housing market is goin' up up up and everyone's pouring champagne on bitches titties and whatnot.

3. Oh Snap
You get your ass fired from your shitty job. On top of that your Iguana needs emergency surgery and since poor people alway do things like waste money on shitty pets, you've gotta front that bill ASAP. Come the end of the month you're broke as shit, so you decide to skip a payment on your house. A whole month of Sundays rolls by and your Iguana feels great but your ass is still jobless. You skip the next month's house payment. Turns out, all those other people bundled in your C-Note bundle are also skipping payments cuz, again, poor people shouldn't own houses. Just to add insult to injury the housing market plummets. Your $500k house is all of a sudden worth $200k. Your $2mil bundle is now a $800k bundle and Bear Sterns is freaking out. They ain't got no money no mo'! Cuz they're shitheads who trusted poor people to pay loans they knew they couldn't pay and then invested their fake-ass money like crazzy drunk people.

4. Moral of the Story
Buying a house doesn't make you look less poor.

Peanut Gallery

2008-03-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my favorite part about reading news articles online is reading the comments to the articles.

I just finished reading an article about newly appointed NY Governor/part-time slut David Paterson and his newly appointed part-time slut wife Michelle Paterson. The article was about how they both recently confessed to having affairs during a rough patch in their marriage but they're all better now. Here's a pic of the couple on their wedding night:

BTW, dudes, he's acsh legally blind so no making fun.

Anyway, here's what elpie thought about this article at 12:36pm today:

elpie Mar 18, 2008 12:36:48 PM
It's not about Dems or Republicans - it's about the nature of MEN. There are also lots of women politicians and I have yet to hear about any of them having affairs or paying for call boys. We need to stop trying to make this about political affiliation or race. It's about morals - some people have them and some don't.

Snooze-cruise, right? Cry me a river, Hillary. Luckily johnx was there to put her in her place:

johnx Mar 18, 2008 1:03:16 PM
Nice try elpie, pointing the finger at men. Who do you think the men are having affairs with? WOMEN, and they cheat as much as men, maybe more, because more women are bisexual and having affairs with other women.

DANG, johnx! You took elpie down and finally set the record straight about how all girls are bisexual. Now we can finally move on to debating other crazy, unfounded generalizations.

And to round out the comment section of this wildly boring article about two middle-aged people boning other probs boring middle-aged people, we have bigbadmf, whose honest, to-the-point style really cuts to the heart of the matter:

bigbadmf Mar 18, 2008 12:36:09 PM
i will hit that she is a hottie

Who says young people aren't up on current events.

GIRLS WILL BE BOYS

2008-03-18T14:41:00.001-07:00

Sure I stripped down a bunch of Iraqis and put leashes on them and covered their faces and piled them up like Holocaust victims and then took pictures of myself humiliating them in revolting, ungodly ways, but its the MEDIA'S fault for blowing this way out of proportion.

XOXO,
Lynndie England

What a fucker. The only thing keeping this bitch from sporting a Hitler mustache is testosterone.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8VG307G0&show_article=1

In Local News

2008-03-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

HeY, Hey! Ho, HO! Rent control should probably not be removed!

Here's a link to an article about Prop 98, which is evil.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/03/10/MNFBVF0BP.DTL&hw=prop+98&sn=002&sc=849

In case you don't want to read the entire article, which is interesting in so much as Donald Trump, golf and Fresno are involved, here's the skinny:

If Prop. 98 is approved, it would eliminate rent control ordinances in at least 17 California cities. Much of the financial support for the Prop. 98 campaign has come from owners of mobile home parks and apartment owner groups, who together have contributed about $2 million.

Supporters of Prop. 99 include a long list of renter groups, including the San Francisco Tenants Union, Housing California and the Coalition to Protect California Renters.

Don't be stupid, dudes.

Im in yr waterz, violating yr agreementz

2008-03-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

Oh whatever Lily, he's probably got like 10 pins in Sanskrit.

This'll get your mind off things - caught by an Italian? What a world.

http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5gJhfg7HqmsL8MxVvv3moh-dQgNFw

See

2008-03-18T12:00:00.001-07:00

http://www.barackobama.com/pdf/IsraelFactSheet.pdf

Just so you guys don't think I'm overreacting

CBN

2008-03-18T11:15:00.001-07:00

According to this guy from the Christian Broadcasting Network, Barry Hussein's morning race speech was a hit. I pretty much agree, though the passage below is pretty intense:

Instead, they expressed a profoundly distorted view of this country – a view that sees white racism as endemic, and that elevates what is wrong with America above all that we know is right with America; a view that sees the conflicts in the Middle East as rooted primarily in the actions of stalwart allies like Israel, instead of emanating from the perverse and hateful ideologies of radical Islam (italics added...obv).Is holding Israel even partially responsible for Palestinian deaths not, like, a valid platform anymore? When did this happen? Was it never a platform? I'm the first to admit the Palestinians are quickly sliding into lost-cause territory, and really I only ever joined SJP because of a crush on a boy, but victim card again? Also, is he comparing Palestinians to plantation owners in the South? Can someone explain to me why Barry Hussein is soooo into Jews? And while I'm on the subject, can someone explain to me how that dude from the Christian Broadcasting Network isn't a Jew?

Re: Al-Mart

2008-03-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

This speaks to the main question raised by this development: will Muslims love Wal-Mart because they love tyranny or hate Wal-Mart because they hate progress? Mindfuck.

(W)al-Mart

2008-03-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

I wonder if Wal-Mart's incursion into the Bazaar is going drive all the Abee and Ummah shops of Michigan out of business. Or maybe the highly-touted Muslim spirit of community will prevail, defeating the great Satan of Capitalism that is Wal-Mart. It'll be like David and Goliath except, you know, Muslim.

Oh Hell Yes

2008-03-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/080315/wal_mart_mideast_makeover.html?.v=2