Speaking of

Barney Frank, would he be a good senator? Does he want to be a senator? (probably yes) Would he win? (probably yes) Would he be too liberal for the senate and get sidelined? I don't know, the guy really knows how to manage criticism. I guess there is some talk of appointing a senator, but Democrats probably don't have it in em. I hope they do, but.

p.s. rip ted, or, if you'd prefer he burn in hell, here's andrew breitbart's twitter.

Why Barney is Cool Again?

Because he is no longer a purple dinosaur, he is simply frank. FRANK. He is BARNEY FRANK! Kudos. Google it.

I read somewhere today that the Democrats are thinking about whipping out some serious procedural mumbo-jumbo that will allow them to bypass the 60 majority, instead opting for a 51 majority that will allow them to totally diss the "conservative democrats" (read: omg-wtf politicians) and just go ahead and grant y'all pissy-pants Americans some seriously chill health care.

Dems are worried that doing this awesome thing will make them look partisan and mean, which makes me so utterly sad. Y'all tried to open some thoughtful lines of communication and what you got instead was TOTAL DUMB STUFF from everyone who thinks they're Republican or God's minions or whatevs, and y'all are getting POUNDED WITH IT day in and day out ON TV. And the more you allow it, the more you get POUNDED WITH IT!

Get a backbone!!! You won the majority vote. You were ELECTED by a MAJORITY of your constituents. You gave the minority a chance to voice their opinions and instead they slung dung at you HARD. They slung Nazi and Hitler and uh, mean Joker and SOCIALIST, which, OMG nobody who has said that knows what it means, and y'all pansy Dems KEEP TAKING THIS.

51 THIS BITCH ALREADY!! Why is there even hesitation at this point?! What is the use of a solid majority when we're too scared to use it? 51 THIS BITCH!!

Riddle me this...

I have seen the Joker (white-faced) Obama. This guy in the corner, he is Haji Ferooz. He is the Dick Clark of Iranian New Years. He is black-faced. I am not sure what the controversy is here with the Joker Obama. I am pretty sure that Joker Obama is pimp. Is he joker faced because he is evil? Is he joker-faced because he longs for the death of Batman? Is he Joker face because has two-timed us on health care? Yes I feel two-timed. WHAT THE FUCK!? A) Who actually was the one that gave us this artists' rendering? I'm pretty sure it was neither Sarah Palin nor Valdudes. B) How is this not pimp? Oh, white face is the new the black face, hence harsh? White, you be too sensitive. Don't forget your SPF 45 in your new Lala.

No It's Not the Same Thing

I went over to the Fox News site to check how much they were propping up the fake protesters at the health care town halls (and surprisingly saw nothing on the front page, a sharp contrast to the tea party coverage.) I did, however, see the top story, which featured the picture above and the following blurb: "It's said 'turnaround is fair play,' but outrage over a poster circulating around L.A. that depicts President Obama as the 'Joker' seems to have ignored a similar image of President Bush last year in Vanity Fair."

First of all those two images are hardly alike. George W. Bush is clearly wearing makeup on both his mouth and eyes, whereas Obama looks like he has 2 black eyes and cut cheeks. Furthermore, to bring up race (which I know is what they're begging me to do) there is a historical significance to mutilation around the mouth. If you don't know what a "smiley" is, don't look it up because it gives me the shivers every time in comes to mind. I know there was a movie, I saw the movie, but let's just put that out there.

Regardless, the real question here is: "What's the story here?" They're got a quote from a local official saying it's offensive. It is. If you think the Bush picture is offensive, maybe it is, but it's in a magazine, not on a wall on the street, plus anyone could have criticized it at the time. So what's the point? I think it's that life is unfair because people are more sensitive to violence against minorities and women than they are against, y'know, rednecks. It's that Obama gets a "free pass" and it's not only unamerican but it's irresponsible for us to be disallowed from levying important criticisms against him, like that he's a socialist and also maybe a psychotic criminal or an appropriate object of violent race fantasy. That's the takeaway. Or if it's not, I'd like someone to explain to me what it is, because this shit's the top story on the top rated cable news network's website.

Obama Opts Out of Public Schooling

Barry called a bunch of public schools last week to talk about the wonderful educational opportunities they could afford his young daughters, only to turn around and send them to some fancypants private montessouri (sp?) quaker hippie joint called Sidwell Friends so they can learn how to become America's first black female co-presidents. This is what makes Barry so successful - he's willing to fill sandbags in Illinois and hang out in Chicago Delis two weeks after being elected president, but when it comes to the big stuff he's like "no thanks I'll take the really fancy campaign with the websites and the stadiums" and "that's cool my kids will go to President's kid type school thanks." Whatevs, though, those kids are gonna look cute as shit is SCIENCE GOGGLES!!!!!

Me talk pretty some day!

Is this in code, dudes?

Palin on Russia:

1) "We are thankful that, under Reagan, we won the Cold War, without a shot fired, also. We’ve learned lessons from that in our relationship with Russia, previously the Soviet Union."

(Editor's Notes: I'm pretty sure the Bay of Pigs involved heavy artillery. Maybe she's talking about Bay of Lipstick on a Pig, which I think involved bitch-slaps and wet t-shirts. Also I was WONDERING where the Soviet Union went.)

2) "We must have good relationship with our allies, pressuring, also, helping us to remind Russia that it’s in their benefit, also, a mutually beneficial relationship for us all to be getting along."

Palin on NATO, which she thinks is a word and not an acronym:

1) "We have got to make sure that that is the group that can be counted upon to defend one another in a very dangerous world today."

Palin on her family:

1) "I had promised Todd a little surprise for the anniversary present, and hopefully he knows that I did deliver. And then we have as -- after my husband, who is a lifelong commercial fisherman, lifetime Alaskan. He's a production operator."

Palin on...I'm not sure what this on:

1) "ECONOMICALLY SPEAKING, THOUGH, IT'S ABOUT 20% OF THE U.S. DOMESTIC SUPPLY IS -- OF ENERGY IS PRODUCED UP ON THE NORTH SLOPE. SO VERY, VERY SIGNIFICANT ECONOMICALLY.PHYSICALLY, THANKFULLY, TINY LITTLE FOOTPRINT."

2)" I DO THINK, THOUGH, THAT AMERICANS ARE RECOGNIZING MORE AND MORE IT'S EVIDENCED IN THE PRESSURE THEY'RE PUTTING ON CONGRESS AT THIS POINT, THE CONSTITUENTS PUTTING ON CONGRESS, MORE AND MORE AMERICANS ARE RECOGNIZING IT IS TIME TO RAMP UP AMERICAN SUPPLY OF ENERGY, ESPECIALLY WE'RE A NATION AT WAR, A LOT OF THE ISSUES THAT ARE SO ADVERSELY AFFECTING AMERICA ARE BASED ON ENERGY SUPPLIES AS WE'RE RELYINGON FOREIGN SOURCES OF ENERGY TO FEED OUR HUNGRY MARKETS, MORE AND MORE AMERICANS ARE RECOGNIZING YOUR SISTER STATE UP IN THE ARCTIC, ALASKA HAS THESE SUPPLIES."

I can't believe we're seriously considering electing this again.

Please, girl!

You call this tough, Palin?

When my brother was a young child he used to shit in the toilet, take his shit out of the toilet and then rub it all over the bathroom walls with his bare hands, just to watch my mom cry.

Go inside and bake me a moose stew, little one.

Obama <3 <3 <3 <# <3

Sorta on the boring tip, but I'm posting this because nobody really did and it's a pretty sweet clarification of "inflate-your-tiresgate" or whatever it is imminently going to be dubbed.
And we might as well throw this in for lolz:

Miguel Hernandez's Event

I was reading about how the Republican nominee has started using the internet to organize grassroots involvement in his presidential campaign, y'know, cuz it's ALMOST AUGUST and Obama's been doing this since the early eighties. After searching for events within 100 miles of my house (none!) I started checking out other differences between the 2 campaign websites. They are very easy to find and hilarious.

For example, say you mistakenly type barakobama.com into your navigation bar. Hey, it could happen. Luckily for you, your browser will perform a quick Google search in which the campaign website comes up as the first hit.
Try omitting a "c" in johnmcain.com and you get this old fave:I do need health insurance! I also need single dating.

Or what if a stray letter sneaks into your url while you're trying to check up on your fave candidate? Try johnmccain.com/a and you get this li'l babe:


You make a similar slipup with Barack? He cradles you in his athletic, hopey arms and gives you a wry verbal noogie remeniscent of the dad you never had.
But the best is the grassroots organizing itself. This is the thing where you host a house party and they send you a video so you can watch it with a handful of weirdos who come to your house. Barack has a couple of events, say, within 100 miles of New York.
John McCain is still working out the kinks, but he's off to a strong start, in both design and substance:

It's got a picture of a house, because it's in a house! To be clear, this is the full list of events found within 100 miles of area code 10036 for both candidates. It's kinda like the cyberspace (is that still a word?) version of McCain going to a German restaurant in Pennsylvania while Obama rivets a crowd of 200,000 in Berlin. But hey, at least McCain has locked up the latino vote.